Best Friends, Worst Enemies

At the end of the school year, we were all so ready for summer. My children were the most excited about their schedules and commitments slowing down so they would have time to be TOGETHER! They talked about all the things they wanted to do with one another: fish, go to the pool, play video games, jump on the trampoline, play games like soccer, baseball, basketball, and so much more! But now… they can barely be in the same room with one another.

They are fighting and screaming over EVERYTHING: the rules of the game they are playing, what to watch on TV, the last slice of pizza, if its going to rain or not, whose dirty dish is in the sink, you name it! Recently, I feel like all I do is play referee between them. It’s exhausting. I’m frustrated, overwhelmed and frankly, just plain tired of their constant squabbles. Why can’t we all just get along?

What is Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry describes the inevitable competition and animosity that occurs between siblings. This kind of relationship happens most often in siblings close in age, but it can also occur when larger age gaps are present, as well as between siblings who aren’t blood-related. Rather than a one-time dispute over who’s getting that highly coveted last piece of candy, sibling rivalry tends to flare up often, consistently and sometimes, for no known reason.

Sibling rivalry is a Tale As Old As Time…
On days when we are trapped in the house together and their screaming matches surpass 100+ decibels, I worry that I did something horribly wrong to encourage this strife. But according to Jeanine Vivona, a professor of psychology, who studied sibling rivalry at the College of New Jersey, “competition with siblings is just a fact of life. And we, as people with siblings and people with children, can just try to manage it as best we can.”

Sibling rivalry is a normal feature of family life. You are not alone.

STARS, They’re Just Like Us
Just look at this quick list of famous sibling rivals:
- Cain & Able
- The Boleyn sisters
- Puma and Adidas founders: Adolf & Rudolf Dassier
- Venus & Serena Williams
- Prince William & Prince Harry

Reasons for Sibling Rivalry
OK… so sibling rivalry is normal, but all hope is not lost. We might not be able to stop the bickering forever, but there are many ways to minimize conflict and to maximize resolution.

The first step in managing these family feuds is understanding their potential causes. Your kids probably aren’t fighting just because one toy is better or one piece of cake is larger. Instead, the majority of fights arise due to underlying causes.

Some Common Causes:
- having to share
- perceived injustices
- jockeying for position
- parental love or resources
- jealousy
- competition
- changing needs
- different developmental stages
- competing desires
- individual temperaments

What Can We Do?
Remember, all behavior is communication. What are our children actually trying to tell us when they are fighting with their sibling? When you are overwhelmed with bickering children, it can be difficult to isolate the real reason behind arguments, but if we can begin to approach their rivalry with curiosity, we may be able to intervene before a situation begins or escalates.

1. Stay Calm, Quiet and In Control
   Learning to recognize your own feelings during their conflict and regulating yourself first can give you the patience, energy and perspective to be the parent you want to be in this situation.

2. Model Cooperation and Collaboration
   How we interact with others sets the example for how children should interact with one another. How do you argue? What do you do when you are angry or upset? If you slam doors and scream, guess what… they will too. We need to teach our children HOW to be angry, with boundaries and by reteaching or redirecting behavior.

3. See Me, Hear Me, Feel Me
   Most arguments arise when we don’t feel seen, heard, or understood. Once tempers have settled, try to talk about the problem without blaming or judgement. Give each child a chance to talk, uninterrupted, and have them try to come up with solutions to the problem themselves.

   It is also important to find time to celebrate each child’s individuality. Children are less likely to fight if they feel you appreciate each of them as an individual.

4. Come Together, Right Now
   Find time to come together as a family. Find common activities that allow everyone to feel connected. Finding the time for these interactions is well worth it when you think about the long-term positive effects of building strong bonds with your children and your children building strong bonds with one another.

   What family traditions do you have? Movie Night? Sunday Sundaes? Game night? These little connections, such as reading a book all together, watching a show as a family, playing board games together, etc. create moments of presence, eye contact, human touch and playfulness which helps regulate the brain and sends the message that we are safe and loved.

Are There Benefits?
Believe it or not, there are actually benefits to our children bickering with one another. According to Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, “A relationship with siblings is one of the earliest and long-lasting relationships people develop. Siblings are a child’s first peer group where they learn critical social skills like how to share, how to manage conflict and how to communicate.”

While their rivalry is hard to witness, our children are learning to:
- practice forgiveness
- compromise
- resolve conflict
- develop empathy
- improve social skills
- stand up for themselves
- shape their personalities

The Take Away…
Siblings will argue. You are not to blame. Sibling rivalry is a natural part of their development. Breathe. Get curious, what is causing their bickering? What are they trying to communicate? Help them problem solve and know that they are learning so much from these uncomfortable moments. The good news is we can help them work through the rivalry and turn conflict into connection.

Need more? I can help.
Blair Miller, M.Ed.