No Nonsense Tenderness
Patient, calm, and punishment-free, gentle parenting is an evidence-based approach that focuses on empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries.
Whether you have older children or are a new parent learning how to soothe a crying baby, there can be difficult choices to make regarding how to best raise children. There is a plethora of parenting advice and many different types of parenting to choose from making it overwhelming to to choose the “right” way.
One parenting style that is regarded as particularly beneficial is “gentle parenting,” also known as: collaborative parenting, authoritative parenting, peaceful parenting, empowered parenting, attachment parenting, positive discipline, respectful parenting, and conscious parenting.
With so many different names, it is not surprising that there are lots of misunderstandings about what such terms mean, with many wrongly equating “gentle parenting” to permissive parenting.
Someone recently sent me an article titled, Millennials are Gentle Parenting- Is it Producing Entitled Kids?
The short answer:
NO, absolutely not, if you are following the four pillars of gentle parenting:
1. Empathy
2. Respect
3. Understanding
4. Boundaries
The long answer:
The rise of these “gentle” parenting styles has left many of us confused about what gentle parenting actually is. Can you relate? If so, you’re not alone. The idea that it is better to parent without yelling, threatening, doling out punishments, or shaming, is sound.
But…
Too many (well meaning!) parents are allowing children’s ‘feelings’ to drive their parenting choices. Parenting well does NOT mean that parents shouldn’t be setting healthy limits and boundaries, enforcing rules, and having age-appropriate expectations. It also does NOT mean that your child will be happy all the time and you will have zero conflicts. Parenting requires a lot of patience, persistence, and practice.
As a parent coach, I support parents to find the middle-way, using NO NONSENSE TENDERNESS and how to embrace this style of parenting by following these four pillars:
1. Empathy
Empathy is the first key aspect of gentle parenting. According to gentle parenting experts, a child’s feelings and experiences are all too often dismissed, minimized, or ignored altogether, even by well-intentioned parents. This leaves them feeling as though they do not matter, and their voices will not be heard. With the gentle parenting method, parents are encouraged to keep their children’s feelings in mind when trying to understand the child’s behavior and when considering how to respond.
What does this look like:
Watch this clip from Inside Out:
Sadness meets Bing Bong with empathy instead of trying to fix or change his feelings.
2. Respect
The second pillar of being a gentle parent is respect. With gentle parenting, respect should be mutually demonstrated between children and their caretakers. This debunks the idea that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ and instead, embraces Dr. Seuss’ idea that, ‘a person is a person, no matter how small.’ A simple way to incorporate respect in a parent-child relationship might be to listen to a child when they speak, defend themselves, or explain something, instead of assuming they are talking back or arguing. Listen and ask questions first, then respond.
3. Understanding
The third pillar is understanding. When children feel heard and understood, they are far more likely to come to their parents in times of crisis. They are also more willing to listen and adhere to their caretakers' rules, which can prevent power struggles. One of the most vital aspects of this type of parenting is educating yourself on the typical developmental expectations for children and not expecting children to behave in a way that is too advanced or emotionally mature for their development.
4. Boundaries
The fourth and final pillar to the gentle parenting approach is setting boundaries and enforcing them. Unlike permissive parenting, which can be relaxed about boundaries, or uninvolved parenting, which may not offer boundaries at all, gentle parenting urges caretakers to set clear guidelines that foster a healthy, loving, and stable environment. Specific boundaries will differ from family to family, but usually involve elements of communication, expectations, behavior, and requires teaching our children skills and strategies to use to tolerate life’s frustrations.
What ever you call it, this style of parenting means parenting without shame, blame, or punishment. It is centered on partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style. It is a softer, gentler approach to parenting, and parents and caregivers that practice this parenting style do so by guiding their children with consistent, compassionate boundaries—not a firm hand.
Some of the benefits of gentle parenting include:
-Reduced anxiety
-An improved parent/child bond
-Positive social skills
Gentle parenting is EMPOWERED parenting, and it is definitely not PERMISSIVE parenting.
My work at The Parenting Practice, LLC supports parents to find the middle-way and learn effective communication skills that become a replacement for punishments and threats. This work requires educating, supporting and coaching parents to shift THEIR communication style, fears, beliefs, and assumptions to meet the authentic needs of today’s children.
This is the power of parent coaching.
