Riding the Emotional Wave

“*Practicing how to anchor ourselves as our children navigate the ocean of emotions will help them grow to anchor themselves more naturally.” -Lelia Scott*

It's no secret that parenting a child in the midst of a tantrum or emotional upset is hard work. Children are emotional, and so are adults. However, most of us have learned to stifle our emotions, especially the more challenging ones like anger, sadness, grief, rage, disappointment, etc. Not addressing these emotions, or modeling how to handle these emotions with our children, can cause a build up of stress in the body which can lead to anxiety, depression, aggressive behavior, explosive anger, and chronic health issues.

According to Aletha Solter, Ph.D., “Our children must be allowed to cry and rage. Otherwise, they harbor unresolved anger, resentments, frustrations, and fears they may act out as violence towards themselves and others.”

When I was growing up, there was an idea that ‘children should be seen and not heard', and listening to children wasn't a common practice. My parents, with the best intentions, would push me to return to “happy” by meeting my upset with humor or distraction, instead of being with me as I worked through my upset. Anyone else experience something similar?

Learning to listen to your child's emotions can feel uncomfortable and even excruciating at times. It takes practice to be comfortable being with your child’s feelings, and additionally our own. It takes a large amount of compassion and forgiveness in these moments of upset to remain calm, and you won't always have the capacity to “be with” these big feelings. We cannot be calm and present all the time.

However, when we learn to feel our own emotions, we can build the capacity to listen to our children. Learning to listen to feelings is the change in parenthood that we need for improved emotional well-being and mental health.

Experiencing Big Feelings

Above all, children have a need for their big feelings to be heard—not shut down, fixed, or suppressed. Sometimes this means digging a little deeper to find the root cause of their upset. Their “anger” may in fact be a different emotion all together and we might be spending all of our time trying to “fix” the wrong emotion.

No shame here, we’ve all done this during times when we’re overwhelmed by our child’s big feelings. But I do wonder, instead of trying to dismiss, fix, or distract your child from their emotions, what would happen if we responded with connection in mind?
For example, would you be willing to:

Notice that your child is upset and look at it as an opportunity to connect.
Just LISTEN / BE WITH your child during their upset. Without judgment or trying to fix the problem say, 'I am here with you. I am listening. Tell me more.'
Wonder what your child’s need might be at this moment?
Validate their emotions. 'It makes total sense that my answer might make you feel angry’
Allow yourself empathy. What are YOU feeling? Frustration, anger, guilt, worry?
Set limits using no nonsense tenderness. For example: 'I’m not willing to let you hit me’ 'I am right here, AND I won't let you break things.'
Hold space for tears and rage—you don't need to fix it. Just BE WITH your child as they ride their wave of emotions.

Building Awareness

We don't always have time to feel our feelings in the moment. Life is busy and in some cases relying on distraction and coping mechanisms is alright. But if we use these techniques all the time, we owe to ourselves, and our children, the chance to self-reflect and heal.

When we build an awareness of our responses, triggers and ideas of the way children should be, we can respond to our children's emotions, rather than react. Doing this means that we can guide our children to their own emotional awareness and expression, which builds resiliency and self-worth in the long term.

Parenting with more awareness of your own triggers, or “Shark Music,” as Circle of Security calls it, will begin a healing journey that will provide so many benefits for yourself and your family.

Steps to healing might include:

Journaling your thoughts and emotions
Paying attention to your breathing – slow it down and focus on a longer exhale than inhale. Do this a few times a day or when your nervous system needs a reset.
Moving. Run, walk, yoga, etc. even better if you can do this somewhere outside, in nature.
Practicing self-compassion and talk to yourself as you would to a friend in need.

And when you mess up, make mistakes and lose your temper (like we all do), practice grace and forgiveness with yourself, and then repair the rupture with your child.

Ultimately, we cannot listen to our child's feelings unless someone is listening to ours, so as parents, we can must make space for this to happen. This is where I come in. One way you can be seen, understood and heard as a parent is through parent coaching, either 1:1 or in a group setting. I am here for you.

Be kind to yourself as you are learning, growing, and healing. Listening to big feelings is not easy, but it is so worth it.

No Nonsense Tenderness